i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
