you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
