why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He better not be in your backpack
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
