I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
