anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
