you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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