remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
