The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got inside last night via doggy door
Randomize