Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
