there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
