At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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