What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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