If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
