i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
