i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
