I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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