Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
