I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
what day is it and did you see me today?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
