i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
