just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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