I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
