Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
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Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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