she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
