you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
