Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
