Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
