I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
