i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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