i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
