i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
