I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
