Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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