allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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