The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
