Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
