Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
