My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
