My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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