It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
