It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
