are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
