OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
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We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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