i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
