Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
