Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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