i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
