dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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