My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
