my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
