I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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