I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my being single is dangerous.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
