My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
