Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
