I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He better not be in your backpack
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
