i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
