I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize