I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
