I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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